I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
