We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
