I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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