She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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