he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
