burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
