turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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