Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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