I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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