lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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