I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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