I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
