mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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