and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
FUCK WHALES
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