tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
