It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
