nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
