What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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