Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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