i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Randomize
