hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
