he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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