I am spending my child support on dildos
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
