Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
