they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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