Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
