My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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