he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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