I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
