thus making me awesome and them whores
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
