Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
