I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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