It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
