if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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