fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
