I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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