Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
