So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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