You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
