i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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