I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
