Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
