How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
