Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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