I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
