From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
