You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
