you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
