If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My cat gives me a boner
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
organizing the empties. That sober.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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