I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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