As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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