I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
