Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
